Chapter 1: Orders
The prince of Weldon looked down at the small village from his high tower window, his breath steaming up the glass. He ran a hand through his shoulder length blond hair, sighing deeply. A small cloud of mist formed on the window.
A knock reverberated through the room as he wiped away the condensation.
“Come in.” An old man, followed by guards entered the room as the prince turned away from the window.
“Ah, you’re dressed,” the old man said. He was the King of Weldon, aged and war scared but he was quite healthy and energetic. He dragged his left leg slightly, not using the cane he carried. The crown he wore atop of wispy white hair was made of gold and large. The family’s coat was etched on the gold. A lion, devouring a wolf.
“Yes, Grandfather,” the 21 year old prince said. “To what do I owe this early morning pleasure?” The old man sighed.
“Cedric,” he said. “I am getting old and soon it will be your turn to rule.” He sighed and licked his lips. “I want to see my great grandchildren before I go.”
“Grandfather, are you suggesting…”
“Yes, I am.” The old man stood up straighter. “Cedric, its time for you to marry.”
--
“A year? He’s giving you one year to find a bride?”
“Yes and if I don’t find one, he will find someone for me. He’ll probably pick that princess from Delwood. He likes her.” The prince paced up and down the floor of the stable as his friend paused from sharpening the sword he held.
“What’s wrong with her?”
“Her nose is too big for her face.” Cedric sighed and sat down next to his friend.
Trygg was taller than Cedric by three inches, 5’11” to the prince’s 5’8”. Dark brown eyes and hair. he had a strong build suggested he worked in these stables all his life. As new knight in the King’s court, a page rushed around him as he talked to the prince.
"I don't know what to do Try."
“You’re too picky Ced,” Try said, going back to the sharpening of his sword. “Just pick a girl, get married, have kids and live happily ever after.”
Which will be better than what’s going to happen to me, he thought to himself. Probably going to end up marrying that kitchen girl, Mattie, after all. Try thought to himself. He inwardly shivered. He sighed on the outside though and the prince noticed. His eyes softened.
“Thinking about her again huh?” Cedric questioned. Try nodded, not even knowing he was doing it. “You need to get over her. She gone, good and dea-” The next thing Cedric knew, he was being pinned up against the wall by the neck.
“She is not dead,” Try whispered harshly. “She’s alive. I know she is.” He let go of Cedric’s neck and the prince rubbed it absently.
“I can believe you love a-”
“Don’t say it your highness. I really don’t want to be beheaded of murder of the heir of Weldon.” Cedric gulped and nodded. He may be a prince but he wasn’t stupid. Try was stronger and faster than him. He should have learned by now not to bring her up around him, no less insult her. “I know she’s alive,” Try muttered. “I know she is.”
Cedric held back his insult and clapped a hand on his friend’s shoulder.
“Cheer up,” he said, as Try looked at him. “Let’s go for a ride. It will get our minds off our problems.”
“You’re the one with problems, not me,” Try muttered.
“But…” Cedric said eagerly. Try sighed.
“I’ll ride,” Try said, slowly. “Only for a bit but I’ll ride.”
“Excellent,” Cedric said, thumping Try on the back. Try let out an ouff of surprise at the jester. “I’ll go get my bow.”
“Your bow? We’re hunting?”
“Of course,” Cedric said, smiling. “Nothing like hot, fresh venison to sway my grandfather.” Try rolled his eyes as a page saddled their horses.
--
Hannah and James stepped into the camp, avoiding a young girl who was being chased by a young boy. The boy’s pants a yard or so behind.
“Whoa, Tom,” James laughed, grabbing the back of the boy’s shirt as Hannah blushed slightly. “Why are your pants on the ground instead of on your butt?”
“They slow me down,” Tom said innocently. “I can’t catch Hosa in them.”
“I see but the rules, Tom, the rules. Do you remember the rules?” Tom looked at James and thought for the moment. “The rules say ‘If you are above the age of two, a boy must wear pants and girls a dress.’”
“‘And at the age of 13, girls wear pants or a skirt and a shirt or a dress. And men must wear pants,’” Tom recited with James, smiling.
“Right and how old are you Tom?”
“Three and a half,” Tom said proudly.
“Right. So you better get your pants on. We don’t want to get in trouble do we?” Tom shook his head and ran to grab his pants.
“Very poetic James,” Hannah admired as James stood up straight again and the boy ran pass them. James flashed a playful grin at her and bowed deeply to Hannah who immediately became agitated.
“I thank you, my lady.”
“Now, stop that!” Hannah said, stomping her foot childishly. “I’m not a lady.”
“You were,” James said, looking up at her, still bowing.”
“When I lived with my father,” Hannah reminded. “And I left for a reason. Now stand up straight, we have to report.” James winced and stood up straight.
“Do we have too?” he asked.
“Afraid so,” Hannah said sorrowfully. “If we don’t, the banshee will come after us.” James sighed and shouldered his axe.
It was a beautiful weapon. Celtic knot work decorated the blade and handle. There was leather wrapped around the bottom of the handle, shaped to fit James’s large hand. It was a gift from the Lady Wolf herself once James proved his loyalty to her. Usually, the people of the pack would treasure the gift the Lady Wolf gave them, an ornament in their home but James used his everyday, combat and all.
Hannah and James walked to a large tent at the end of the campsite. It was decorated with simples of order and authority. The rules were even pined to the flap of the tent and “the banshee”, as some people called her, loved to reprimand people about the rules. She tried more than once to change the rules but the Lady Wolf always turned them down.
Inside the tent, a woman with a beak like nose and shrill hazel eyes with stone grey hair pulled back into a tight bun, sat at a table piled with papers, reading and writing. At the sound of the flap, she looked up at Hannah and James.
“Back again I see,” she said, looking between the two. “Did your mission succeed?”
“Umm…” Hannah looked at James who nodded. “It was a bit of a failure actually.”
“What?!” the woman squawked, standing up from behind her desk. “It failed? How?!”
“Well…it’s a little complicated,” James said as Hannah turned white. “We had a situation and we had to kill him.”
“Kill him?!? You were supposed to get information from him!”
“He found us out,” Hannah explained desperately. “We had to kill him, Cosima.” The woman, Cosima, rubbed her temples for a moment.
“There is not excuse. I must record this as a failure.”
“But Cosima-”
“No buts Miss. Hannah.” Cosima looked coldly at Hannah. “Need I remind you that you are still the underdog of this pack? The Lady still hasn’t accepted you. And need I remind you also if you don’t make it into the pack we send you back to your father, your memories gone?” Hannah was even paler now, stuttering silently. “Now leave.” Hannah nodded, on the verge of tears and ran out of the tent. James glared at Cosima and followed the girl.
“That was unnecessary Cosima,” a calm female voice said from behind the tent wall behind the old woman. Cosima jumped and turned to face the silhouette of a woman of 5’ 7” height and slender build. The woman’s hair was long enough to brush the back of the woman’s knees. Cosima gulped when she also saw the shadow of a sword at the woman’s hips. “You knew she would fail that mission didn’t you?”
“I-I did not milady.”
“Do you think he can lie to me?” the voice asked, still calm and even but it was colder then before. This made shivers run up and down the old woman’s spine. “Just because you are my second in command and didn’t have to pass a test, doesn’t mean you can scare or make new pack members leave.”
“I am only doing what is right for the pack-”
“Is that for you to decide?” the voice interrupted.
“No,” Cosima said quietly.
“Whose is it?”
“Yours my Lady Wolf.” The silhouette nodded.
“Hannah will be invited to join the pack,” the Lady Wolf said. “She has proved herself.” Cosima nodded reluctantly.
“What shall she be given?”
The silhouette turned. “Give her the cloak,” the Lady Wolf said before walking away. Once the group’s leader was out of earshot, Cosima began muttering curses. She didn’t like Hannah or any high class people. They were more powerful than her and Hannah reminded her she was working of an outlaw. Cosima sniffed. Second in command of all things. She was talking orders from a-
Cosima shook her head and looked around nervously. She shouldn’t be thinking such things. The Lady Wolf knew everything. Thoughts, events, words, everything.
She sighed and slipped into her chair. She tried not to mutter as she wrote a note in straight, stiff writing.
“Desporon!” A small boy with plantinum blond hair cut close to his skull ran into the room.
“You called Ms. Cosima?” He asked, shaking slightly. Cosima frowned but hid it well.
“Give this to Isabella.”
“Yes Ms. Cosima.” As the old woman ground her teeth together, Desporon ran out of the tent. He ran across the camp and passed a tent highly decorated, guarded by two large men. A small girl with light brown hair ran passed the guards into the tent. If she had been anyone else, the guards would have sprung to life and blocked the entrance. But she wasn’t anyone else.
The girl’s name was Lupita. Brown eyed flecked with amber, her high energy normal for a three year old. She looked around the empty tent then frowned when she saw the hidden flap loose. She sat on a cushion that served at her bed and curled up on it, her eyes watched unblinkingly.
Minutes passed until a hand pulled the flap away. Lupita smiled and sat up, squirming a little in excitement.
A woman looking about 19, standing 5’ 7” with knee length hair, black as a raven’s wing, flecked with gold in the setting sun. She had bright, amber eyes that sparkled at the sight of the three year old. Her leather armor moved silently as she re-closed the flap and she set her sword next to her when she sat down on her cushion. The two were silent until Lupita squealed in delight and flew into her mother’s arms. The woman was not surprised of the gesture and returned it happily, giggling along with the girl.
“Lupita, my little pup,” she said. “What mischief have you caused today?”
“I stopped Tom from catching Hosa,” she replied happily.
“Really? How did you do that?”
“I grabbed his legs and made him trip.” The woman gasped.
“Is he alright?”
“Yea,” Lupita said, a little down now. “But he is mad at me now.” The woman hugged the girl.
“Don’t worry my little pup,” she said, stroking the girl’s hair as the three year old clung to the leather vest the woman wore. “He won’t be mad at you for long. No one can stay mad at you for long.” The little girl smiled through her tears and hugged the woman tighter.
“I love you mama,” Lupita whispered. The woman smiled.
“I love you too.”
“Milady? Isabella the tailor needs you.” The woman stood up and sat Lupita on her cushion. She picked up a cloak, putting it on and pulled the hood over her head to cover her eyes. Then she put the sword back on her hip and called to the guard.
“Tell her the Lady Wolf comes and for her to wait not long,” she called and a shadow moved away from the tent. Absently, the Lady Wolf touched an amber pendent that rested in the hollow of her throat. Engraved in the amber was a hollowing wolf toward a full moon. Lupita saw this.
“Mama…”
“You will meet him someday Lupita,” the Lady Wolf said quietly. Lupita nodded. The Lady Wolf smiled at her daughter. “Now sleep my little pup, tonight we have a festival and we will have a new pack member.”
The little girl nodded and laid down on her cushion. The Lady Wolf exited the tent and waved down the guard.
“Protect my daughter,” she said and she walked toward the tailor’s tent. She stopped suddenly and looked up at the sky. The moon was a bright round globe that hung low in the sky, taunting the Lady Wolf. She sighed.
“Almost three years to the day. I wonder if he is still alive or if he was killed.” She touched the pendent again, sighed and walked to the tailor’s tent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, chapter 1 is up and all critique is welcome. also if you can help me chose what rating this story should be, that would be wonderfeul ^^' Chapter 2 will be up in a few days ^^
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
I loved your story, it was really well written. When I'm reading stories they run through my head like movies. Well written ones are much more enjoyable to read. I loved your characters; Cosima reminded me exactly of my 3rd-8th grade math teacher! I can't wait to read your other chapter's. I write Fantasy Fiction as well so I enjoy submersing myself in other's writing as well, it's so much fun. I hope you keep up the great work; the detailed descriptions, the intriguing character's, the vivid settings, and the flowing dialog:)
~Dakota
Hey!!!!
I liked your story. It has a very good plot. This just wants me to read more about Lady Wolf and her companions.
Um, I thought the description of the king wasn't thorough enough. I mean, I could kind-of imagine him, but not very well. I would definitely suggest adding more detail.
Okay, the "mom" in this sentence ruins the picture you're trying to create. You're trying to speak in the medieval times, right? So put a substitute for this.
I found a few other mistakes, but nothing serious.
All in all, I really liked this. I can't wait until I read what happens next.
zOe
Hey. I read the piece above, and I didn't see any nitpicks - just one thing. Or maybe a few. First, you're telling. Majorly. You know what that means, don't you? If not - and because I'm feeling too lazy to tell you myself - there's a great website that you should check out:
http://www.writedesignonline.com/assign ... ttell.html
Also, try to make the dialogue a little less... modern. You're going for a medieval setting here, and your characters speak as we would.
And lastly, the punctuation. Always make sure that dialogue ending with tags look like this: "No!" the woman gasped. And NOT like this: "No!" The woman gasped.
Keep writing. Hope I helped.
KJ
i thought it was very nice. I was intrigued almost the moment i started reading it. It had a good hook and a great first paragraph or so. You had good description of characters but not as much background. You did mis punctuate a few things and a couple parts were a bit choppy. But other than that i t was lovely.
Love the story...it's great everything that was said so far i agree with but i aslo think you should describe Lady Wolfe's daughter a little more does she look like her mother or father but i love the mystery behind Lady Wolfe

Can't wit to read chapter 3
I like youre story. I would get into nitpicking, but some people already have done that. The characters parts don't exactly describe their persoality. I know its only chapter one, but personality traits should be portrayed mostly in the first chapter. The first few sentences really drew me in. The Diologe is a bit choppy and the description could use a little more, but other than that, the whole story is great.
ok, i fixed the king some and i added that they were in the stables. im still alittle bit iffy to change the discription of Trygg though.
When i discribe this character, i wanted it to defined. I have a certin image for this character and i wanted the readers to see it too.
If anyone can crique more, that would be great ^^
Chapter 2 is up^^
I'm still not really digging the description of the old king. I think it's because you tell us a lot more than you show us. I think, instead, maybe you should focus on how old he is, but not by simply stating it, but by showing in his actions. How is the man walking? How is he standing? Is he hunched over? Does he hobble? (but don't necessarily state why he's hobbling) and go with stuff like that. I think that might be what's bothering me in the beginning. Sorry I was unclear in the above critique.
Then, when you start out again with Cedric and Trygg, just come out and say Trygg's name right away. Eventually, we'll all catch on to who he is. With the describing of Trygg, I think you should wait to do so. A common error when young people are writing is that we describe our character too much and end up with extra baggage. Do we really need to know how tall he is? If it is a trait that you want to be known, than do it at a more appropriate time. Also, where did the stables come from so suddenly? Are they in the stables? You've never mentioned them before, so it kinda comes out of nowhere.
So far, this chapter is a bit better than before. I'll pop back in to edit this crit later to add more and finish reading it. Since I seem to have run out of some time XD
--meow
Thank you all for the critique, its really helpful. The story has been updated and i hope to get more adivce.
Few things to certain individuals:
Night Mistress: You find out who Trygg is in love with in the next few chapters. Also Lupita is a major part of the story later on. I hope you will keep reading and thanks again for the review.
fading-dream: Thank you, thank you, thank you for the critique, it really helped. I do plan to make this story with a unique twist and I do hope you will read more.
little.angelfire: if you could tell me how to make the chapter more exciting, that would be wonderful. I would love to hear your ideas. Hope you will read the rest and I hope to get anouther reviw from you. ^^
brace yourself, I think this might be kinda harsh.
I enjoyed your prologue, but I started reading this, and I didn't get very far at all. I stopped reading after the king announces that he wishes his son to marry. I think you might've lost your groove you carried in the prologue. It's a fine concept to start out, but the wording is what is bothering me. It already seems rushed, and I expected a lot better description for the king. His description just kinda seemed like you threw it in there. If you went into deeper detail, really got down in there, it might work out. But as of now, it's just sloppy and makes the dialogue seem a bit rushed. I say just expand upon that part at least a little bit more.
As I said, I didn't get very far so i don't have much else to say about this piece. You have a strong prologue and I understand that jumping to a less exciting chapter one is to be expected, but you still have to keep a steady pace and keep the same speech coming along.
Perhaps I'll finish reading this later, but my class is about over XD So that's all for now.
--meow
In these two lines, you swith characters. I think you should clear this up a little. Maybe put who is saying the next line.
This line could use some work. "Trygg as taller" doesn't make sense.The part where you say he has dark brown hair and eyes is used where you suggest that he got those from working in the stables. You should separate that thought from his strong build. I would also work on sentence flow in this paragraph.
You switch names from Trygg to Try. You can tell this is his nickname but you should probably have the main character say Try in place of his name to reveal this or call him Try the whole time and explain that it is short for Trygg.
When he's thinking, you should probably put quotations or italics on it. I'm slightly confused in this paragraph. Are you implying that the princess of Delwood works in the kitchen? Are you talking about a completely different girl? You should probably clarify. Okay, upon closer inspection and reading later into the story by a few sentences, I figured out this was Trygg. You should probably replace "he thought to himself" with "Try thought to himself" so you don't confuse the reader.
Maybe you should add "Cedric questioned." before stating that Try nodded. This would clear up confusion over who is talking.
Another observation. You use the word "Said" a lot. Perhaps replace some of those with words like "explained".
"So" should be "do".
This was a good descriptive paragraph. Unfortunately, it makes you realize how little detail is given elsewhere. I would try to describe things better.
All in all, the story wasn't too bad. I do have one more comment to make. This story seems as though it could become extremely cliche'. Be sure to add unique twists and if there is a villain somewhere, give him unique reasons for what he is doing. Things that would make the character wonder who was doing the right thing.
I know I was a bit harsh, but I just want to see you get the most out of your story and make it the best it can be.
hey,
Your story seems pretty good and it's total different then what i excepted.
So i am guess that Lady wolf is the woman that Trygg is in love with or is it Hannah? You should clear this up a bit, because i was a little confused. Who is the little girl? I understand that she is Lady wolf's daughter, but what is her purpose in the story?
Also you should separted the different part with a line or something else like such as Somewhere Else.
You seem to be in control of the story and the plot. All in all, it's pretty good.
I hope you will pm me when you have posted chapter 2.
see ya around.
NM.